I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
