oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
