nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
