I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
