He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize