I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
