Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
