i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
