i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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