Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
