I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
