dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
