ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
