Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Randomize
