we have officially lost it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
