woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
