My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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