Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
