I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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