theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
