I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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