Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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