i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think my moral compass just broke
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