i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
