why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I cannot find my penis.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
