dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
