i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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