Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
