don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
