Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
be right there i have to get my cape
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
