saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
