I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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