I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
