happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
