Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
