My Higher Power is John Stamos
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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