like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
