Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
