I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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