dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
