So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
