You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
