My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
