At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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