I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My Higher Power is John Stamos
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize