Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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