You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
