I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize