Moan for me like Helen Keller
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
