My hair reeks of homosexuality.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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