I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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