what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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