where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
