the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Say something about gay babies.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
