the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
