I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize