Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
