I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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